It’s Not You, It’s Me.

Life. Life is insane, crazy, busy, every variety of that word that you can think of. There are not enough hours in the day and I’m not sure I’d even really want more because from my current schedule I’m EXHAUSTED.

You would think I have no friends in Los Angeles because I am never hanging out with anyone. I’m not having play dates, I’m not having brunch out on Sunday or clubbing it up Friday night. I get messages; “Can you hang out?” “Where have you been?” “Let’s get together.” “Let’s plan something soon!” “Want to meet for lunch?”

These messages oddly, as enticing as they are, give me extreme anxiety lately. I don’t deny that I miss my friends, I miss adult conversations and getting some time to just myself but the reality is I simply don’t have the time right now. I have another priority in my life. My daughter. She needs me the most.

Full time job, full time Mom, full time responsibilities around the clock.  I’m up early in the morning, getting myself and a 3 year old ready for school, trying to get her to eat a decent breakfast while deciding if my hair is acceptable in a ponytail or bun today…cause really who’s got time for style? But I can assure you Aubrey looks FABULOUS. She often walks out of the house with a super cute hairstyle AND a bow. (Brush those shoulders off). Rush to preschool drop off where I know I won’t see my daughter for almost 9 hours. 9 HOURS. I love the days when it’s less than that. I do absolutely love my job and it provides for my family. We get by. (Don’t even get me started on the cost of preschool…..ABSURD. They take half my pay.)

Preschool pickup. I used to drive straight there and get her. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how to work exercise back into my life to tackle the pounds I’ve gained this year. What does pick up now entail? Drive home, QUICK change and take the pre-assembled jogging stroller out of the SUV and run the mile to school to get her. I am fully equipped with water, a snack and music pod for the obvious Disney playlist to listen to as we trek the mile back home. BAM. 2 mile exercise added into the day. Once home, it’s time to attempt to make a dinner I am totally unprepared for every day. I surprise myself on what I can whip up. I can turn plain chicken nuggets into a glorious chicken parmesan with spaghetti and use the Ninja to turn mozzarella sticks into a glorious melted cheese topping. In between I’m making sure she gets her homework done on the 3 nights a week she has it assigned. (Thank God we aren’t into the difficult things. I’m all for letters, numbers, coloring and connecting the dots right now)

If I consume dinner by myself. 5 minutes. 10 minutes, if I was to take my time. But dinner in my house can take minimum 1 hour. The concept of sitting still doesn’t resonate with 3 year olds. I anticipate I make probably 1,543 negotiations a day, more on the weekend. With dishes left to be done, food to put away, I still try to spend time with my daughter whether it’s playing games with her, maybe relaxing and watching a kids show of her choice on TV and reading books before bedtime. I just missed nearly an entire day with her. And now I have to get her bathed, ready for bed and go through the whole bedtime routine to do this all over again the next day. When she does finally fall asleep, there is so much to be done in the house. Crazy how fast toys get sprawled out, uniforms need to be washed, those dishes are still hanging out in the sink and my cat is crying at me for some sort of attention or head nod to acknowledge that she still exists in my life. By the time it’s all done, I’m collapsing into bed.

The week is so hectic so by the time the weekend comes I value my time with my daughter so much. I try to find something exciting to do and if the weather is nice, we always try to hit the beach once a weekend. It’s our sanctuary. Rolling in the sand and jumping in the waves can

cure just about anything. Sheer bliss.

Call me selfish, I like the weekend to be ours. It is also family time. With my work schedule and her dad’s being so opposite, we don’t get time together as much as we would like. So on the rare occasion we get an entire weekend day TOGETHER, better believe I’m soaking in every moment of it!

My daughter is 3…..she doesn’t want to brunch, she doesn’t want to go shopping or just hang around the house all day catching up. She is growing, constantly learning and needing her Mommy to simply spend time with her. Being away from the one I love most the majority of the day for 5 days a week can be unbearable sometimes. It’s not easy.  So I’m not trying to be selfish and I’m not avoiding you. I’m just busy. Busy making memories, busy painting, creating chalk artwork on the pavement, having a dance party at 8am with a strobe light, snuggling on the couch watching a movie I’ve seen hundreds of times or teaching my daughter how to ride a bike. I’m busy trying to make up for all the hours I have missed during the week and that I will never get back again in my lifetime.

She is growing way too fast before my eyes. I am beyond exhausted from juggling everything and I’ve had to make decisions about what and who is most important to me these days. So please the next time I take forever to respond to a text message (I’m terrible at those) or return a call weeks later or push off another attempt at “catching up” because my daughter may be in a “mood” (you have no idea what those are like at this age! WHEW!) please don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s ME. 

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” 

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh