Dear Mom...

As I went to fill out a Mother’s Day card for my mom this year I started off as any other would with “Dear Mom”.  Then my pen stopped and lingered as I tried to figure out what to write next. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what I wanted to say but I didn’t know HOW to say it in the tiny amount of space available on the card I purchased. I suddenly felt like 5 lines of “thanks” for the 27 years (plus 9 months belly time) of sacrifices you made for me my entire life wasn’t sufficient.

I feel like the best way to say thanks is through a letter, something none of us seem to do much of anymore. I can’t rely on Hallmark to express what I need to for this one…so here goes.

Dear Mom,

Let me start of by recognizing that in the past few years I have not been the best at being outwardly emotional in person. I have had my phase of the half hugs and the turn of my cheek for kisses and I know I’ve told you on countless occasions, “MOM, STOP CRYING.” I do apologize for those moments in time but heck I’m about to make up for it now.

Most women have expressed that the day they give birth to their own child is when they suddenly feel this new connection to their mother that they never had before. There is this new understanding upon officially entering motherhood of one another. And I can agree with that but I think there’s some fluff to it. My daughter, your granddaughter, is about to turn 3. Crazy, right? Where has the time gone? But it’s these YEARS that have brought me to an understanding of what it is to be a Mom and to understand you and the sacrifices you made for me.

You sacrificed your body, your dreams, aspirations, time, sleep, hot dinners, long showers, social life and for goodness sakes your sanity for me.  It wasn’t until I have been doing this myself for years that I could completely comprehend it. And better yet I am doing this with one kid right now and you eventually were sacrificing and taking care of THREE of us. Lord, have mercy on your soul! At this point I can’t even imagine juggling more.

It wasn’t until some of the private moments I had when I saw areas of my body that were permanently affected by childbirth and gave me low self esteem that I understood why you had those moments too. I get it now. Knowing about some of your aspirations you gave up to be a mom breaks my heart in a million pieces because as a dreamer, I get how important those are in life. To give them up is one of the hardest things in the world and until I had to put mine on hold to put my child first, it never phased me how you truly dropped everything for your children.

I know I’ve always made fun of you for heating up your dinner in the microwave after you just put it on the table to make it really hot. Now I’m thinking this is a direct result of previously being the last one in the family to get food on your plate because you were servicing everyone else at the table first! I struggle to get a decent meal half the time on the table on the daily and just about EVERY single night, you enforced family dinners at the dining room table. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Not only were we all at the dinner table but also you always seemed to flawlessly whip up some magical meal with a main dish and five sides for a family of five.  That is HARD to do. HARD. I praise the individual who invented the slow cooker and any other magical kitchen device that helps me get a dinner made quicker. You made it seem like nothing as you cooked some seriously amazing mashed potatoes every other night and then auctioned off the beaters to be licked.

Sleep. What is that? Has it happened since all of us kids left the house? I doubt so because I’ll see that you “like” a picture on my Facebook at 12:30am so clearly you’re not catching up! I recall that you’ve always been, go, go, go, go, GO from early morning to late at night. I was curious as to what store you seemed to have gotten that never-ending energizer bunny battery from…. I’ve determined it’s just another “Mom” thing. I think about you everyday and how you didn’t stop as I’m now being woken up at 6am (thankfully sometimes not until 6:30am/6:45am) and not getting a break until I collapse into bed most of the time around midnight. I get the need to just keep going and after dinner is made and the kid is asleep the odd energy to just clean the dishes, make sure all the food is put away, maybe even do some laundry at 11pm! Because I can fit in one more load, just one more! Yet even as I move about getting done the housework I need to, I’m thinking you had the same feeling I get in the back of your head…reality…. I just want to lie down and not move. Forget doing all the housework that is NEVER ENDING…. I just want a break.

This leads me to…SANITY. You raised me not swear, thank you for that. And I didn’t growing up. But as a mother, with a smile on my face, I occasionally have a spew of very inappropriate words that run through my head during the rough times. Times like when my daughter has a “pee-pee” accident in her underwear so I start the washing machine that’s in my apartment kitchen and go to clean her up in the bathroom. Upon returning to put the dirty laundry in the machine, come upon a flooded kitchen because the water hose wasn’t properly installed in the heat of the moment and it popped out onto the floor bringing allllll the running water with it! HOORAY! (In my head… curse word, curse word, curse word) Times like these I want to throw my hands up in the air and run away. Run away, scream, throw something, or hit something…. just go BANANAS. With that said there were plenty of times I thought you were crazy. I legitimately thought my mother must be insane, why is she freaking out of what just happened? Now I know the answer. Because you are a Mom. And you were being a Mom to three of us kids. It was us kids who were being the insane ones, we just were sucking any sanity you had left out of you on many occasions. You weren’t crazy; you were having a Mommy moment. It took me all the times where I want to give up or hide in a corner to get what you went through. I understand.

While the sacrifices are important, I think the value comes in what you gave me. You gave me endless memories of a fun childhood. There were countless crafts, outdoor fun, and the best mac and cheese when I got home from half-day kindergarten, YUM. I’m sure I didn’t express it at 5, but I loved how you made me a new hair clip or ponytail holder every week for school. Whenever we had a new letter of the alphabet we were studying, I waltzed into the classroom with a new hair accessory. You literally made me new hair pieces multiple times a week and the extent of the work you did only came to light to me now.  I’m also pretty confident everyone looked forward to my birthday the most at school because you always made one giant cookie pie for the class, which was my favorite thing EVER. Can you make me one now?

You taught me about life from manners to my morals, values and faith in God. Those things shaped me, made me the person I am today and for that I am forever grateful. There isn’t enough to thank you for what you did for me while raising me, without writing an entire book.

Thank you for changing my poopy butt, enduring my spit up and attending the nights where I decided I just wanted to party at 2am with you and only you.

Thank you for your magic kisses that made my boo-boos better and for always being the best nurse I could ask for when I was sick.

Thank you for cleaning up my vomit. That is disgusting. Absolutely horrendous and you did it countless times.

Thank you for dealing with my sensitive skin issues and adjusting the entire laundry routine to make sure there was no dye or perfume in the detergent.

Thank you for helping me with my homework, my education and for always being a chaperone on my field trips.

Thank you for being at every school play or activity I participated in, you were always my number one cheerleader.

Thank you for every meal you cooked and all the laundry you did, especially all the dirty softball uniforms you had to wash! (I’m sure you cringed on the inside every time I slid into a base.) 

I could go on and on but most importantly THANK YOU for being my Mom. I am the luckiest daughter. I only hope I can be half the Mother to Aubrey you were to me.  The crafts, the cooking, the creative activities I try to do with her, I channel you. I try to think, what would my Mom do? I understand what you have gone through as a Mother and I understand that no matter how tired you are, the energy, the motivation all comes from LOVE. That’s what Super Moms are made of….Love. You live it and you give it. You live for the smiles and the joys of your child’s life. So I’ll stop telling you not to cry because I know they are proud Mommy tears. I understand those emotions because they get me all the time! Suddenly I cry for no reason at all besides the immense, overwhelming love I have for my child. I never knew I could be so proud the moment my child banished me from her potty routine to do it all by herself. The things that seem so small are the biggest things in life now.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. I love you. I appreciate you more than ever now and I understand. For all that you’ve done and all that you’ve been to me, Happy Mother’s Day.

I hope you have the most relaxing day that you so truly deserve.

Love Always,

Marissa